The 5 rules of office secret santa

What do you call a blind Jehovah’s witness?

A Jehovah.

They don’t celebrate Christmas, but most people do and it’s that time of year when it’s coming to the forefront of our minds.

Does your team at work do secret santa? (Where the names of each person on the team go in a hat and then everyone pulls one name out and has to buy a present for x amount for the person you draw.)

If you’ve not done it before, you should, it’s enough to put a smile on the face of even the moodiest bugger in the office.

It’s great fun, mostly because of the anonymity involved. Everyone is trying to work out who pulled out whom, and who is going to be buying for them.

There are some rules:

1. Vouchers don’t cut it.

Don’t even think about it you lazy bitch. Nothing quite says I couldn’t be arsed because I don’t like you more than a Marks and Spencers voucher.

2. Passing on old presents doesn’t cut it

If said voucher has clearly been around for a number of months already hence the multiple tears, crumples and folds in it then don’t pass this on. Nothing quite says I couldn’t be arsed because I don’t like you and actually I wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire more than a second hand Marks and Spencers voucher.

3. Start early

This gives people a chance to think about what they are going to buy and who they are buying for. It increases the likelihood of being able to order online and have delivered something relevant or apt. The later you leave it the more impersonal and random the gifts become. I’m not saying I didn’t put the candy cock pouch to good use a couple of years back, but it wasn’t even my size (although it did fit the mother in law quite well…)

4. Don’t take it too seriously

Don’t stress about it in an attempt to get the perfect, bestest ever secret santa present that person has ever and will ever receive.  There’s only so far a tenner can stretch.

5. Be cheeky, but be careful

Because people don’t know who their gift comes from it’s an opportunity to push the normal boundaries a little. But be careful not to go too far.

In my experience:

An inflatable sheep seems to be acceptable (yes Gavin it was me). But buying a rampant rabbit (complete with batteries) for an up tight, stressed out and shouty boss could easily lead to awkwardness and embarrassment at the expense of someone’s feelings (although they did seem much calmer than normal the next few days)…and no Derek it wasn’t me.

A Mexican wrestling mask goes down a treat, but a gimp mask might not.

Some scented hand cream and hair oil is normally well accepted, but deodorant and chewing gum is a bit too catty.

So if you haven’t organised it yet, then do it today and enjoy the subsequent fun it brings.

candy thong

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